Capitalism BAD

This guy is really angry at the economic violence perpetuated by capitalism and the failure of governments to protect it's most vulnerable citizens from poverty and exploitation enabled by the corrupt system we all live under or whatever. Mainly he's mad at the system that forces him to spend $40 on a baseball cap.

"Like, isn't there some way we can bring down the price of vitally important branded merchandise without lowering the wages of the children that make them in the global south? I mean, clearly I'm willing to pay way more than I should for merchandise that carries certain cultural significance to the point where I don't remove labels so that other people don't have to wonder, 'wait a minute, that hat is on and all, but is it a NEW ERA 59FIFTY hat? Oh yeah it is, there's the sticker that proves it'. It just makes me so mad that I could spit, or at least patch together some kind of bizarre incongruous punk aesthetic where I've got a t-shirt that rails against 'the man', matched with a non-ratty jean vest to show how non-conformist and pissed I am at these global injustices or whatever."

There were 2,000 protestors at this protest and many of them were documenting the courageous rising up of 'the people' who were chanted the "whole world is watching" which brought tears to many eyes. They tried out the chant "1,999 photo bloggers are watching!" but it wasn't as catchy.

R.I.P. Turntablism

Caption Contest!

That's strange, the reading on the vaginameter says "what's that smell?"

Hittin' the Skinz

So on the one hand, I'm like, whatever Church's, - that used to be the regular deal, you didn't need a coupon for 10 for 10.99 a year ago - what gives?

But on the other hand, sometimes 10 pieces is what you need, and why not save the money?

Unofficial Stance on Wireless Communication

Let me put it this way: if "millions of electronic signals carrying data, voice messages and myriad internet signals to hand-held devices and other units with wireless receivers, but also coursing in and around your home and body" were a Facebook page or group, I wouldn't click "like" or join that group.

Just saying is all.

Wow

11010110011100101101101

Remember when computers were cool and just wanted to have a good time?

The Blue and White

I fucking Love London Drugs. Props to Mr. Louie for creating such a pleasant business. Competitive prices, EXCELLENT service, un-fucking matched anywhere else - everybody knows their shit at London Drugs.

Don't say anything bad about London Drugs.

Magic Hand Massager

$6.99 is not a bad price considering all you need to do to make it usable is disinfect it.

Cuties

Dear Chinese immigrants who work in meat and fish processing plants and sweatshops in hidden away industrial pockets of Vancouver:

You are way too fucking cute with your lunch rooms, lunch bags, tea/water containers, crackers and cookies and whatever other things you need to make the communal work lunch adorable and respectable in its sociability and pragmatism. If this was any of the lunch rooms I've worked in, it would be empty save for a few keep-to-themselves weirdos and a couple average Joes reading the paper. The rest of us spend our lunches with Terry at Subway, then smoke a joint in the parking lot afterward. Most lunch rooms I've been in have never seen a paper towel place-mat or trusted that no one would rip off your bag lunch.

Nein Homo

When I first saw this video,

his youthful charisma and fearlessness with his voice made me so excited that I got a boner - and made me imagine what my seed would look like exploding from my powerful ding-dong onto his guitar strumming hand.

No homo.

Gyeah!

From Stonesthrow Records' website: "Most people remember MC Eiht as the lead member of the group Comptons Most Wanted, or for his infamous MC battle with DJ Quik, or for his unforgettable role in the film ‘Menace 2 Society’ … but only the left coasters know and respect him as the originator of the phrase “Gyeah”, which has been bitten and jacked by every MC and rapper on the planet, including Jay Z."

I know a left coaster who not only knew that, but also used graphic design, and the post-modern art of media-collage to share this with the world on a CD cover in a reference that no one probably got. I know I didn't get the full understanding of the reference until just now. Clever.

Gyeah!

The Height of Comedy

This is pretty much as good as it gets for me. Everyone is like "argggh!!!!", and Alfred, he's like "yay!".



And with this one, it's like, "that doesn't make any sense," but I'm laffing my fucking ass off.

I bet people who see these covers and think, "that's not that funny" are people who I wouldn't get along with.

My Weiner is Non-Judgmental

The saying "love is blind" is incomplete. There should be a second part that goes, "and boners are blind to stupid haircuts".

Me: Is that a fucking UNDERCUT?!
My Boner: Huh? What?

RONDON DAYDREAM 03

RONDON DAYDREAM 02

RONDON DAYDREAM 01

"Yeah, Lil’ Wayne and Drake album"

Is this journalism?

“I went up to Rikers, and me and Wayne agreed that there will be a Lil Wayne/ Drake album,” Drake said. “There’s some things I’m excited for in my life — I’m excited to go perform certain places — but [this project] will probably be one of the most exciting things in my life, because we make music on a different level. It’s just so fun, so comfortable. A whole album? To think about all the things we can do, especially if we’re gonna do 15 songs. Me and him don’t like to do 12, 13 [songs]. We want to do 15, 16. Yeah, Lil’ Wayne and Drake album.”


Drake?! Not only has he had two hit singles and guested a bunch of times, he is the kind of musician - artist - who won't do 12 or 13 songs for an album. No, his creative output is so strong that he'll do 15 or 16 (including skits). Clearly the hyperbole of "The Best Collaboration That The Hip Hop Community Has Ever Heard?" is warranted. Calm down errbody, all the time.

Dear Blogger,

I noticed recently, after completing a blog entry, that after logging out, I'm taken to a page that reads "Logged Out".

I'm sorry to be a bitch about it, but don't you think it should say, "Blogged Out"? Cuz that's how I TOTALLY feel after blogging.

Your Friend in the blogsphere,

http://www.MutualJerkoff.blogspot.com

Dark Times Ahead

It's not saying much for le fashion, when Blossom, Six and Denise Huxtable are the current icons for women's wear (again).

Floral prints like 12 year olds were wearing back in the day?! Floppy-brimmed hats not worn at the beach?! Harem pants?! What, you probably gonna go around making tight rolls on yr teal jeans and tucking yr BUM Equipment shirt into the front only?

Oh, I see, you are.



p.s. I know that pantyhose in the summertime give you a yeast infection. Yuck.

JIZZ

This might seem like yet another innocent Craigslist posting for a champagne companion, but if you consider the line breaks, it is poetry:


My friend and i have great fun sex, and i would love to add to the mix
a fun lovely lady
very open to how and what
i can watch you two
you can watch us
or he watches us
either of us can host
have a glass a wine / champagne
and see where it goes
we don't normally get together till 11pm
we are attractive, fit, and safe
and want you to feel the same
send a pic share your fantasy
lets make it happen

Banger of the Minute!

Picture it: Gastown, 1999. I'm on my way to Sonar to see Q-Bert or the local DMC Elimination or some other turntable ish. Word on the street is DJ A-Trak, the then child prodigy turntablist would be doing an exhibition at the show.

Then:


On Carrall Street, I notice a solitary figure. A skinny lost looking teen, wearing an oversized t-shirt, baseball cap that makes him look like a cancer kid and backpack (two-straps the way only the backpackers did back then). It's A-Trak. Not the confident "sunglasses is a must" pussy-getter who drops simplistic club bangers today, but the uncool French-speaking teenager who used his Barmitzvah money to buy a set of turntables and then spent the next four years indoors nerding out to become one of the most technically proficient skratchers ever to be seen. The kid who always looked awkward raising his skinny stick arms out of his XL LRG shirt in his raise the roof (cuz that's how we did in 1999) pose after his set.

He was too young to hang out in the bar, only allowed in to perform his set. Now, he's on top of the world, having dropped the technicality and man on man masturbatory excitement of skratching for 4/4 beats and Lil Wayne samples (ladies be lovin' it). Now he wears cool fedoras and Fred perry shirts, hangs out with black guys and has one of those razors that Lenny Kravitz uses that makes it look like you got permanent 4 day beard growth. Now he's never alone when touring and the bottles pop along with the cherries.

Just remember, he invented a notation system for skratching and knows where Bambaataa got his breaks from - he ain't just another ugly dude with Serrato and some skinny jeans tucked into Dunks. It's all a mirage, he's a geek.

Now:

Banger of the Month!

The high school I went to was pretty much "Goth High". Oh sure, there were some hippies and punks, and in later days, some ravers attended, but for the most part, The Cure, Siousxie and Bauhaus t-shirts outnumbered even those that said Nirvana (Bleach-era, natch). Pearl Jam was an obnoxious joke at my too cool for school, school. People knew Nine Inch Nails for more than just that "Fuck You Like an Animal" song. I definitely wasn't into goth. It was too serious, and made drinking Slurpees and eating entire cans of Pringles impossible, or at least ridiculous (seriously, have you ever seen a goth drinking soda pop? I saw a head-to-toe-(including a fucking top hat)-black drinking Mountain Dew once, and the hypocrisy made me want to scream in his pasty white sombre face). Goth was always too serious and wrapped up in its own culture for me to take an interest. The furthest to the darkness I ever went was with Suicide and maybe that Shakespeare's Sister joint.

That's why it's surprising that I'm digging Zola Jesus. I feel it has a lot to do with her maturity and her seriousness. She's 20 or 21, comes from Wisconsin, got hooked up with Former Ghosts, and sounds little like her peers. Sure, the other girls may also evoke '80s themes, but they all do so in a clownish and mocking way, whereas Zola Jesus (not her name, but her moniker) is passionate and articulate on her jams. She makes musical music, and that's worth something. Most of the cuts off of Stridulum have an epic buildup that envisions me at the show with tears streaming down my face, fist pumping and head slowly swaying back and forth to the slow building crescendo and dénouement - I'm so angry at... everything.



Apparently she's a trained opera singer, but I don't really see the influence, as she doesn't seem to do any impressive breath control or over the top scales or whatever it is that an opera background would enable you to do. Sure, her voice is haunting and she can hold a note, and it can leave you with chills, but it's not operatic. Youtube (Broadcast Yourself), has videos of her recent performance at SXSW, but her show was outdoors, in the daytime, and in the blazing sun. The irony is too much for me. If you're serious about your goth, it should be too much for you too.

The Lowest Form

Most people think that the lowest form of comedy is mime. It's not.

The lowest form of comedy is repeating a joke or catchphrase from TV or a movie (I'm excluding the internet 'cause it ain't the same).

Think when someone says, "I'm on a boat!" or does Borat. The lowest.








* in looking for pictures of mimes for this post, I have to admit - a lot of them made me laugh. I find musical comedy way lower than most of the mimes, comedywise.

Funkmaster Flex Spins the '90s

http://funkmasterflex.podomatic.com/

Don't watch the video version of this. The effect is ruined when Funk starts wilin' out with, "Listen to me, New York – OK?! I’m not in the 90’s on some MTV videos or some VH1 nonsense, OK?!" and, "I did NOT come up here to play Hammer and Young MC! This is not what this is!" and you see he's smiling. On the audio only, he sounds angry and irrational, which is realer (mo' real).

Thanks to this, your neck will be getting quite a work out. No homo.

"Put each hand on the strap of your backpack and bop your head uncontrollably... Jansport!"

Tragicomic

Shit, are you up on this saga?

It's so funny, yet so sad, because you know this can only end in a murder/suicide. Or just a suicide. Or a murder.

On his previous video, he entertains the concept of the redheaded "race".

Banger of the Month!

Indies

"What do we do? Oh, we're independent film producers"

The Fuckin' Vibes, Man!

Yo, have you seen Les Maitres Fous? This video reminds me of it. White people are just as wacky as the non-whites they exoticise is the message.

Yo, you hear that vibraphone riffing? That's the fucking hotness. I think that being a great musician is a little like being a great dresser. There's rules in both, but only if you know the rules can you effectively break them. At about 3:30 in this video, the vibraphoner starts messing up and getting a little sloppy - kind of like that suceesful guy who can rock a paisley tie with a polka dot shirt - not cause it matches, but cause he knows it don't and he gon' do it anyway.

New Forms of Laughter

I was linked to this picture through emusic, the record store I go to since the locals NEVER HAVE ANY-FUCKING-THING NEW IN THEIR FUCKING STORES!!! (but that's beside this point).

I was looking at the emusic page for Tony D's "Droppin' Funky Verses" (dope) and they offer a link to Flickr images that have been tagged with the name of the artist - in this case, Tony D. There are a lot of pictures on Flickr of guys named Tony D attending conferences and wearing pleated khakis - more pictures of these types of guys than the recently deceased New Jersey based golden age rapper and producer.

The title on the picture is "Brooke and a very sweaty Tony". This out of context combo of discovery made me burst into a cackle that sounded cruel. But funny.

I Am The Juicy Fried Chicken Muthafuckin' OG

Never forget? Fuck you never forget! Never forget me, the most down ass homey to grace that fucking restaurant's doorway. Yeah I ate the four piece meal with nasty fries. Yeah it wasn't as good as Church's. Yeah, I used to binge on some greazy chicken after getting my hair cut at Alfredo's Trendy Hair Designs next door. Yeah Alfredo was Filipino and all his kids and nieces and nephews went to St. Pats up the street and he had pictures of the Backstreet Boys torn from the pages of Bop magazines framed on the multi-coloured walls of his salon. Yeah I was one of the first in line of the middle class hip white kids to gentrify Main Street, by buying organic produce at the IGA and kicking it at the Biltmore back when it was hotel lounge upstairs and Prince Rupert-themed nightclub downstairs. Remember $1 beers and pizza at Pizza Express? Remember Kabul Market and Video Update's 99 and 50 cent Tuesdays? Remember the Lido when it wasn't a fucked up art/retirement project? Remember that torn down building on Broadway and Prince Edward (now it's a condo) that was an empty lot and had three guys clocking the stoop, drinking Bull Max? Remember how when they fenced that in, those dudes just moved to the bus stop instead?

Yeah, I still rock my yellow OG Juicy Chicken shirt on the regular. I'll never forget because that is my fucking shit, 1997 - 2000.

You wanna talk about waiting for the #8 (Southbound) or #9 (Westbound) bus at Fraser and Broadway 1992-1996, I'm here for you as well.

You can buy the shirt here for $27, but you better know what it is that you're never forgetting first.

DANGER!!

http://www.tittaycitay.com/

Don't click on that link. It will make your penis get stiff and sore. You will get pup-tent madness. You've peeped that link before and I think you should know better by now. You will get mega-rise from pics of that girl, and that girl, and that girl, and that girl...

Particularly now.

Pon Mi Nozzle

I get to be Cutty Ranks and you can be either the guy in the tuxedo shirt with bowtie, the rasta with a moustache, bredren working the mixing board or the rude bwoy with skinny tie. You can't be the bloodclot in the orange hat because that's who Terry called already.

Put up ya one if ya love Manley!

Snap, Crackle and Pop

Cric! Crac! Croc!

Collage

So, I started writing this long post about the poor investment that sites like Facebook and Tumblr present, as I fail to see the revenue stream that will support these media, but then I thought, "nah, post some decontextualised, nostalgic videos relevant (?) to me and my peers".



Nikolai Volkoff loved the Soviet Union so much, that he would insist on singing its anthem before each of his bouts, and after if he won. He would snatch the mic away from the announcer and start belting it out. The audience would boo like crazy and yell at him to stop. This was how I learned that Communism was bad.



Hulk Hogan is a "Real American", he "fights for the rights of every man". In grade 5 or 6, for music class, we had to bring in some music from our homes to share with the class. Cory Stickel brought in his record of WWF music. I don't remember what I brought in. For a while there, I was into the Top Gun Soundtrack, Gowan (Strange Animal, Criminal Mind), and U2. Joshua Tree.

Dearest Nelly:

It's OVER!



Sorry dude, but them's the breaks. You had an album in 2008 (allegedly - I've never heard of it, and you KNOW I'm jocking MuchMusic 24/7) which made no impact anywhere, despite having AKON on it, which should equal instant banger success. There has been one update on your website since 2008 (I've unbookmarked it btw), but on the plus side, you're on Twitter, although I found this photo here, which shows the groupie quality you're currently working with.



Man, remember "Batter UP"? "Number One"? Three is not a winner and two no one remembers, what does it take to be, number one? Never has that question seemed more pertinent.

Business is FUN!

1. There is a company, a real honest to God corporation with shares on a stock exchange that you can buy and sell, called the "Tootie Pie Company" (it's stock symbol is TOOT - as in, "hey, stock broker, get me 10,000 units of TOOT asap!")
2. There was apparently a pumpkin pie crisis just prior to American Thanksgiving of last year.
3. The Tootie Pie Company reported on November 20 of last year that they had "solved the pumpkin pie crisis".
4. Tootie Pie Company stated, in print, that, "Today's news from Nestle that our country is facing a shortage of pumpkin pies in advance of Thanksgiving is nothing short of an emergency and, being the maker of the best pies anywhere, we felt compelled to step in and do our part to solve this emergency by announcing that THE TOOTIE PIE COMPANY HAS PUMPKIN PIES for delivery! So, call us or visit our website at www.tootiepieco.com but whatever you do, don't have Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie." (emphasis mine)
5. The fact that grown ups with straight faces are thinking of, writing about and believing in these things is funny to me.

BAAALLLIIINNN'

"EAT A DICK MUTHAFUCKAZ!"

The Old New York

I miss the old New York. I mean, I've never been there, and it may only exist as media simulacrum, but I yearn for the time that I continually see in old movies where New York was a cesspool filled with aggressive assholes who yelled at each other all the time. "Fuck you, pal!" "Hey, can I get some service here?!" "You talkin' to me?!" "Who you callin' buddy, pal?!" "Yeah, you gotta fucking problem with that?!"

A time filled with Danny Aiello getting up in some joker's face.

Listen Up Dudes

This might be big. You heard it here first.

Don't Leggo the Eggos

Have you heard? There's been flooding at an Eggo plant in Georgia, which has hampered the regular production at the factory, while at another Eggo factory, they had an anticipated slow down in production due to regular maintenance factors. These two events have led to a perfect storm which is resulting in: A NATIONWIDE EGGO SHORTAGE!!!

Holy shit! No word (that I can be bothered to find out about) how this will affect Canada, but good Christ - an Eggo shortage. Kellogg's share prices are hurting because of this. Serious business analysts actually get to say and write phrases such as, "due to the Eggo shortage..."

A new generation will be brought together to recount for decades, where they were when the Eggos disappeared. It's this decade's OJ Simpson verdict or Kennedy assassination.

My friend's...

I'd be willing to bet big money that in the past 6 years, the phrase, "my friend is starting a t-shirt company" has been uttered 10,000 more times than, "my friend is starting to commit his time and energy to the betterment of mankind".

Hotheads

I was at the Biltmore last night. It was packed. It was hott. Temperature-wise that is. I noticed an inordinate number of people wearing wool toques. Fashion that strongly contrasts with environmental factors has always pissed me off. From the folks who wear flip flops in the rain, to the fellow who favours the down vest feat. t-shirt in the coldest months, I just don't get how one can ignore the season in favour of fashion. What especially irks me, is when they are completely ignorant of their own effect on their comfort with statements like, "it's so cold" (says the guy in the February nylon windbreaker), or "I got soaked last night walking home" (courtesy of our friend Ms. no umbrella paired with a moisture sucking wool coat).

The following photos are of different people from a single night at one night club, that probably is a toasty 23+ Celcius degrees. This heat is commonly found in the season known as "summer". The major irony is, is that its not really all that cold outside to require the toque in the first place.

All photos sources from Lindsaysdiet.com (thanks Linds!). I'm stealing them and posting them here without her permission (fair use, or whatever), because I'm like Girltalk up in this blogsphere - recontextualising and recompositioning existing elements to make my own motherfucking tapestry of artistic statement!

















What happened to cool?

Cold Heat / Icy Hot

Dude, it's so hot here in this nightclub in Canada in the month of January, I just gotta strip down to my tank top. The fact that it reveals the thousands of dollars in tattoo work I've got over the last sixteen months is completely coincidental. What? My wool toque? No, it's not a contradiction to my earlier statements about the heat, it's just that I don't have any tattoos on my head, so by removing it, I wouldn't be showing off how edgy I am.

I Was Searching for the Band

The Tire Calendar

So, do you know about the Pirelli calendar?

Briefly, it's a high-art nudie calendar put out by the Pirelli tire company as a corporate gift. They've been doing it since the mid-60's and it's considered a high-brow version of all the babe calendars out there. Rich sophisticates spew their jism at the creativity and eroticism of this calendar. I've seen some examples from previous years, and it basically looks like that Chris Isaak video with that model where they roll around the beach in black and white.

This year, Terry Richardson is the photographer.

Is there anything hip left of the year 2000 that stockbrokers and people who send their kids to private school don't know about? LCD Soundsystem, American Apparel, riding bikes, Holgas, PBR - is nothing sacred? Or at least exclusive? What, so now, when I'm telling this girl at a party that I would really like to photograph her using a Terry Richardson aesthetic juxtaposed with Cartier-Bresson's eye, she's gonna already know that I want to get naked with her in the street while carrying cameras and taking pictures of each other?



Fuck.

Hecho en Mexico!

I was in Mexico recently, and as per my custom when visiting foreign countries, I checked out their porn.

I was somewhat surprised that there wasn't a bigger porn industry in Mexico, what with America's love of "Latinas", but taking some cultural considerations and some debatable statistics into account, it makes sense that American content still rules the porn roost.

Mexicans read a lot more paper materials than the US and Canada. There are a lot of newsstands on the streets of Mexico city. They sell a variety of magazines, covering insightful topics like celebrities, wrestling, sports and politics. Not all newsstands carry porn, but if they do, they've got Hustler, Playboy etc., usually the Spanish language version, and often several months or even years out of date. A few have the much smaller Historias Calientes and a few other Mexican mags. I'm attributing this high literacy to the fact that most people probably don't have internet access the way we do up here.



These magazines are smaller (5.5x8.5) and feature a real Mexicana on the cover. With very little exceptions, these women are dark skinned, short and, by Northern North American standards, a little dumpy. But this is what Mexican men like (if the TV show Family Guy is telling it straight). And they have a lot of this to choose from on the streets of Mexico. The Mexican woman prefers to accentuate the fat around her hips by displaying the "muffin-top" that so many of us North of Mexico are afraid of. While on the streets it seems that this is the ideal, the Mexican media mostly ignores women who are a) dark skinned b) short and c) not thin. Advertisements and TV shows are filled with leggy brunettes and blondes from Argentina and other latin American countries who wear short skirts, dance around and contribute to the inanity of Mexican TV. Instead of showing off the Juliana's of Mexico, we get an idealised version of beauty based on what Hollywood and New York runways have established as "babe". Big deal, we do it up North as well.

Unfortunately, besides the spread of Juliana, the magazine featured re-prints from other silicone and blonde porn magazines, a few 'you're never going to believe this' sex letters, interviews with people who claim to have sex in movie theatres, some porn movie reviews and then some swinger ads. The Mexican content is slim. This may have something to do with a certain modesty of Mexican women that is not shared across Latin America. They don't wear skirts generally. No joke. Seriously, I've been to Havana as well, so I can say these things about the Southern hemisphere. Like, tight and skimpy is synonymous with Latin America, but in Mexico, it's just tight. Skimpy is so not in this season.

Luckily porno comes though to feed Mexican men their true desires. Meet Juliana, in all her rounded belly, 5 foot one, droopy-titted glory.