Proof That God Doesn't Exist

If little babies die for no good reason, and this guy gets cozy with hott chicks on a nightly basis, there is no justice.

Don't Mind Me - I'm Just Krumping.

I wish there would be some occasion in my life to say to someone else, "Don't mind, me, I'm just krumping."

Sadly, I don't think I'll ever get to say it.

In other krumping news, I think it should be spelled "crumping".

I will penetrate your butt

Latin Libido

When's the last time you peeped this song?

...That's what I thought. Here you go...

Banger of the Month!

So, this video should never have been made, and the singing in the closet stuff is too embarrassing to watch, but if you close your eyes and sway a bit back and forth, you can pretend that it's closing time at the Purple Onion circa 2001. Yeah, that's it, you're doing the "sensitive all by myself, I'm so into this Bauhaus track" fag dance and you don't give a fucking shit about those bitches in the corner who've been ignoring you all night. Those bitches.

Russian Police Can Eat a Big Fat Dick

Really, "Police" in Russian is the mirror image of "Homo"?

Yes, really.

Can we just take it easy with:

These toques. Seriously ladies, these have been played out since 2006. Try a beret, or some ear muffs or something. If you really want to get my cold weather chub on, try one of these or a variation on the theme.

And boys, it's time to give it a bit of a rest with the plaid shirts. It's getting hard for me to wear mine without having to feel all self conscious and proclaim to anyone who looks at me, "I've had this shirt for six years! I'm not following a trend, I'm just wearing what's in my closet!"

EXERCISE

Hola, mi llamo Dr. Tushy.

Knickerbocking

Did you know that in the name of the NBA basketball franchise, the New York Knicks, "Knicks" is short for Knickerbocker?

I did.

But what is a Knickerbocker? It certainly is a funny word, but why is it, other than its nonsensical sounding collection of phonemes?

It probably comes from the earliest Dutch settlers to New York City in the late 1600's who adopted the name. It has been used more recently as a word to describe those short pants that baseball players used to wear, or any pant that is fitted tightly at the knee. Such as women's bloomers or knickers. Seriously.



Both of these gentlemen are named "Patrick".



All facts sourced from Wikipedia, this is good shit to use in your essay if you're doing one on Patrick Ewing, Pat Riley, Harmen Jansen van Wyhe or the New York Knicks.

Music Bloggin'

What's that? Raekwon is keeping it real on Staten like it was 1997? He invited Method Man in to drop a hook like it was a Limp Bizkit jam? Ghostface is upping the off kilterness now that Dirty is gone? Still keeping it muthafuckin' real for the 17 year old rap fan in all of us.

And thankfully, they haven't stopped with the, "oh shit, nigga, i been shot and I got cocaine all over me from this drug deal gone bad" fantasy bullshit made exclusively for teenage boys. Sweet.

Caption Contest

It's time again for the http://www.mutualjerkoff.blogspot.com caption contest!!
Storm your brain to come up with funny or entertainingly provocative captions to accompany this month's featured photo:



Please leave all funny or entertainingly provocative captions in the comments area below.

Dynasty

Naw man, forget the Redgraves, the Barrymores, the friggin' Baldwins (I said friggin'). Frig 'em. This right here is the world's greatest acting family, straight up:

IMPORTANT RAP ALBUM

I miss this album. I stole the CD from A&B Sound and pumped it daily for years, then lent it to someone, never got it back, now I can't remember who that someone is.

I miss this album.

Step to me and I'll suck yo dick!

Eazy Duz It

Didn't Dave Grohl roll with Eazy?

He wishes.

Digitally Remastered Punk

So, Sub Pop has reissued Nirvana's first album, Bleach, as a special edition, digitally remastered whatever.

Just so's everyone knows, this album, when it first came out, was my first taste of "I've got the real cool shit, no one's got this, it's so underground and therefore am I" music snobbery that has carried me over for just under 20 years. I got it much later than the really cool kids who had it before Nevermind, but I learned from them.

Bleach was a loud and abrasive punk fuck you album that prided itself on noisiness and static. I'm pretty sure when it first came out, it was only available on tape. Low quality, non-digitally mastered 1/4 inch tape. It was recorded by casual heroin users in a rat-infested studio in Seattle. Being rat-infested in Seattle is no easy feat. Bleach was meant to be played on a shitty two-speaker tape deck in high school art class (after school) or the skate park. Nevermind was polished corporate rock that assholes and homophobes listened to. Bleach was true skool.

You can't digitally remaster dirty shit. A homeless and smelly dude is still homeless and smelly, whether he's wearing his own shit-stained wet dog smelling sweat pants and ski jacket, or a brand new Boss suit. It's like going to the Mona Lisa and fixing up her smile.

It's stupid. I don't care really, Bleach was a pretty irritating record for me. For some reason, I really liked Incesticide (see the dawn of my music snobbery above).

I am a Wild Party

I fucked up. I didn't do Halloween this year. Mainly because I am not a child, and it is children who like to dress up as superheroes or French maids, not full grown adults who have jobs and responsibilities.

That being said, here is my costume for next year:

I'm gonna soak my clothes in booze (spirits) and let it mostly dry, then I'm gonna cover them in puke, cigarette butts and sweat. What am I? "I am a Wild Party" I'll respond.

Don't get it? Fuck you, fuckface.



Imagine liking this music. Loving this music. Like this shit comes on classic rock radio and you think, "fuck, this is the best fucking song, eh!". Imagine what your life would be like if that was the case. Fucking imagine.

Remember that young hip swinging couple that wanted to break the rules?

That was over a year ago. I think they've broken a few rules by now.



They ain't them.



They neither.

Postivity

Wow! What an absolutely stunning smile. She would brighten anyone's day. She brings vitality and a purity to this dingy-ass nightclub that has been tainted by bad hook-up choices and casual cocaine use. I want to wake up with her beside me every morning. Or at least see her at my breakfast table, ready to chow down on some waffles and Grape Nuts.



Normally, I've got a major hate-on for guys with babes (because they are not as cool, and therefore deserving as me to be with the babe), but with this guy, he gets my blessing. In fact, he has done his partner such a service in living up to the standard set by his lady, that I wish him all the best with bringing third into their bed after the art show. I think that would be just wonderful.

p.s. I took three hits of ecstasy this morning. Serrrriously.

Da Mayor of Bonertown

I don't mean to be rude, Ms. Mayor, but you seem like you'd be real loud and obnoxious - as if you have been emboldened by a life of male attention thanks to your curvy figure and luciously large breasts. I can just imagine being at this party (I have to imagine these things nowadays), and having to endure you drunkenly interrupting some awesome conversation I was having, by slurring, "d'you know what?! My friend thinks you look JUST like that guy from That '70s Show! What's his name? Ellen! Ellen! What's that guy's name who you say this guy looks like..."

I'm sorry it's worked out that way - you may be interesting or have the potential for something greater than ogling, but as a man, I can just not get around your giant knockers and the horizontal stripe effect just isn't helping. I also have to admit that your poor taste in malt beverages and dye jobs does nothing to subdue my bone and only adds to my evaluation of your character.

I Predicted This

Ironic moustaches, ironic metal t-shirts, ironic baseball caps, ironic clown shoes, etc.

How far can this irony trend go? Will there be ironic goatees? Will fashion change to privilege Docker's and golf shirts over the cutting edge fashions of yesterday?

What the fuck. This is so confusing. Either this guy just emerged from 1993 (goatees weren't all that hott then btw), or he is rocking the most daring and frustrating game of fashion one-upmanship since I grew my first ironic moustache (in 1998!). If it is indeed the latter, enjoy it my friend. Because your look will soon be removed from your domain and found at Wal-Mart - just like plaid shirts and Palestinian scarves are today.

Welcome to Bonertown

Population: Me.















I'm pretending that my dick is the wine:

Dollas

Cormark Securities Inc. just spent over $70 million on a stock deal. This is just one of the million dolla expenses they will make in a year. This is their mission statement:

Cormark Securities Inc. is a leading independent investment dealer counseling Canadian and international institutional investors and Canadian-listed mid-cap and emerging growth companies from offices in Toronto, Calgary and Montreal.

This is their "vision" :

to partner with our clients to achieve their capital market objectives.

I want to believe that hundreds of millions of dollas are not so easily thrown around by organisations built around empty and poorly-written objectives and mission statements. But it's true. Millions of dollas does not equal sophistication, intelligence or elitism. Nope. Their vision is akin to McDonald's stating, "we desire to sell hamburgers to our customers". No shit dudes, no shit.

Maybe they could send a few of those millions my way, and I can write them some non-run-on, misplaced sentences. I could also show them the strength and integrity that comes with usage of the active voice. "I fucked that chick" not, "that chick was fucked by me".

Prrrroof of Postmodernism

don't stop believin' - fake prom 2009 from untold city on Vimeo.

So, it's a fake prom, with attendees ranging in ages from early 20's to 30's? And everybody seems to get it, and totally get in to it. The prommers are living out this idea of the prom based on John Hughes movies and modern day music videos. This isn't a "prom", but an ironic pose of a prom based wholly in popular culture references instead of actual lived nostalgia (the "Prom").

Don't Stop Believin' was released in 1981, and popular in the very early '80s. Someone who's prom was in 1982, which would have likely featured Don't Stop Believin' would be well into their 40's in the latter part of this New Millenium. So, what are these people reliving? As Jean Baudrillard would say, a Simulacrum, or as I would say, bullshit. Let's go with Baudrillard's theory though. They are participating in a mirage of something that we all collectively hold to be true, but it based in the popular unconscious and cultural fabrications rather than our own historical experience. Where do they know this song from? Is it from angst-ridden teenage years lusting after the rockers in Iroc-Zs or that girl with the skin tight jeans and feather earrings? No. It's Glee. Or the Sopranos. Or The Wedding Singer or any other of the more recent pieces of pop culture where Don't Stop Believin' has been featured.

So what I am left with, is the sense that people attend the Fake Prom to mock the ideas of proms without mocking their own complicity in them. Just five to ten years ago, many of the Fake Prom attendees were most likely losing their shit at the most important social event of their lives with the real prom, but it is only when Prom is removed from their own individual experience and placed in an ironic, mocking stance that they can trash the outfits, music, anticipation and excitement (with gleeful joy).

Would it be as funny for the Grad 2003 girls, who cried over their prom dresses and lost virginity just five years ago, to revisit this night with Nickelback and Fifty Cent as the soundtrack? Could they make fun of the ridiculous amount of time that went into choosing their outfits and dates and Livestrong bracelets the same way they can when they have the safe distance to pillage the absurdity of '80s fashions and trends? Can the boys immerse themselves with the same ironic joy when fitting themselves into a $65 a night tuxedo from Black and Lee and scenting themselves down with some CKOne like they did in 2001, or will they again need to borrow from the fictional past when everyone had embarrassing haircuts and wore powder blue tuxes. EVERYONE did.

I'm not hating on the Fake Prom - it looks fun. I'm just sceptical of people who are "really into it" without having the appropriate pedigree to get really into it. Shit dude, I practically invented ironic hair metal worship in the mid-to-late nineties. I learned about Iron Maiden. I had a Warrant t-shirt. I ironically listened to The Final Countdown over and over and over and over again in the eleventh grade. Fuck you. I guess my point is, we are all embarrassing and have a past that is less than awesome. We don't need to jock someone else's embarrassment because it is comfortably distant from our own.

Fuck a Blog

This blog defines the word "pussy"

There's like a dozen exclamation marks on the one page.

hunx and his punx from untold city on Vimeo.

"So I was thinking of learning an instrument, or improving on my songwriting or singing, but then I realised: I can just wear ridiculous spandex pants!"

Thank Blog!

http://123funnyscraps.blogspot.com/

What did we ever do before we had the power of the internet to express ourselves and our unique personalities? How were we free to express, share, and collaborate ideas with like-minded individuals, which fostered innovation and bold new adventures? Where were we earning $0.13 every week due to our creativity? How did we entertain each other without repeating jokes and anecdotes others had told?

The Untold City

Hey J/O, peep this blog I just discovered. Some hairy ass, some guitars, sweat, parties we're not attending...... you know, the usual steez.